The Dictation of A Natural State of Mind

 I want a love like Me thinking of you Thinking of me thinking of you type love Or me telling my friends more than I’ve ever admitted to myself  About how I feel about you type love Or hating how jealous you are But loving how much you want me all to yourself type love Or see how your first name just sound so good next to my last name And shit I wanted to see how far I could get without calling you And I barely made it out of my garage See, I want a love that makes me wait until she falls asleep And wonder if she’s dreaming about us being in love type love Or who loves the other more Or what she’s doing this exact moment Or slow dancing in the middle of our apartment to the music of our hearts Closing my eyes and imagining how a love so good Could hurt so much when she’s not there  And shit I love not knowing where this love is headed type love And check this, I want to place those little post-it notes All around the how she she never forgets how much I love her type love And not have enough ink in my pen to write all there is to love about her type love And hope I make her feel as good as she makes me feel And I want to deal with my friends making fun of me The way I made fun of them when they went through the same kind of love type love Only difference is, this is one of those real love type loves And just like in high school I want to spend hours on the phone not saying shit And then fall asleep and then wake up with her right next to me And smell her all up in my covers type love I want to try counting the ways I love her And lose count in the middle just so I have to start all over again And I want to celebrate one of those one month anniversaries  Even though they ain’t really anniversaries But doing it just ‘cause it make her happy type love And, check this, I want to fall in love with the melody the phone plays When none of us dialed into it type love And talk to you until I lose my breathe She leaves me breathless  But with the expanding of my lungs I inhale all of her back into me I want a love that makes me need to change my cell phone calling plan To something allows me to talk to her longer ‘cause in all honesty, I want to avoid one of them high cell phone bill type loves And I want a love that makes me regret how small my hands are I mean the lines on my palms don’t give me enough time To love you as long as I’d like to type love And I want a love that makes me st-st-st-st-stutter  Just thinking about how strong this love is type love And I want a love that makes me want to cut off all my hair Well, maybe not all of the hair Maybe like I cut the split ends and trim my moustache But it would still be a symbol of how strong my love for her And check this, I kind of feel comfortable now So I even be fantasizing about walking out on a green light Just dying to get hit by a car Just so I could lose my memory Get transported to some third world country just to get treated Then somehow meet up again with you so I can fall in love with you In a different language and see if it still feels the same type love I want a love that’s as unexplainable as she is But I’m married, so she’s gonna be the one I share this love with(I absolutely love this poem if any guy can recite this to me I would ask them to Marry me) <3

will be completely posted by the end of May… sorry for the delay

basically, it was 2nd semester//// Things got real, life just kept moving, I lost track of time and neglected my TUMBLR … I’m sorry

When it comes to people and their beliefs of bisexual women , I find that either they think it’s a phase or that it’s just like being gay… Well it’s not. The way the media and society has framed this valid category of sexuality has really skewed my own perception of myself… Just last January (2011), I came out to my mother and the first thing she said was, “I wanted grandchildren”.   I don’t know if she just did not understand the term of being bi or if she just thought I am attracted to females, but somehow she made it equivalent to me not wanting children or being attracted to men, as well. Since then we have had vague conversations, and I have been told she is waiting for me to get out of this phase. I don;t think she understands how such a comment hurts. It was hard enough me trying to hide my attraction to females and trying to pass myself off as straight. Plus, it doesn’t help that she’s African American. She refuses to let my side of her family know, and believes it will have them question her parenting; which they already do because she married outside of her race (my dad is Puerto Rican).  Moving on from that aspect, my friends at first found the idea as hilarious. Mainly, they saw it as funny because some expected it and others were confused and just teased me about it. However, it pissed me off when some of my acquaintances (male, generally) saw it as some type of promiscuity marker. All of a sudden, I was receiving offers of three-somes and being asked can they watch as I have sex with a female. It pissed me off so much, I had to completely tell-off one of my male friend (we are no longer friends). People just don’t understand this sexuality. The media makes us seem promiscuous through having love triangles, and then in other media like porn, men just see us as sexual desires. It’s wrong. People need to stop.  That is all I have to say… I am bisexual, no I don’t want a three-some, No it is NOT a phase, No I am not stingy, and I’m happy…

I have a dream….that one day we will chase education rather then status I have a dream….that one day we will not kill each other for shoes I have a dream….that one day we will look inside of ourselves for answers rather than blaming everyone for our problems I have a dream….that one day we as African Americans will not segregate amongst ourselves based on complexion I have a dream….that we will stop replacing the Slavery of Whips & Chains for the Slavery of Whips (cars) & Chains (Necklaces) I have a dream….that one day we won’t refer to ourselves as Males and Females with a term used during Slavery and a term that means female dog I have a dream….that one day the expectation for our Women will not be for them to have children outside of marriage by the age of 24 I have a dream….that one day we as a people will start to hold ourselves to a higher standard I have a dream….that one day will start today - Mike McKoy 

Slouched and proudly erect to the 6’3 posture Of an awkward stature Of a light caramel toned fixation. Widely almond shaped piercing warming beautiful Deep sienna brown hued eyes. Atheltic build without the bulk of arrogance To alter the shy amusing nature within The fixation of a Cherokee warrior. Almost black curls softly wave unruled atop of the skull A bushy crown holding in The knowledge and sincerity of the prince. An opening to show the ivory beheld cave Where the sounds that come out are of angels Soft reassuring demanding confident all the same It curves up The cave, and opens too Radiating enamoration with a touch of excitement. Sending shivers Through every atom of its cause The cause being love The love being me For he is my fixation And together it is we… ~~~Tiana J. Fernandez~~~

Bite my ear Kiss my neck Touch my skin and caress my soul. Take me down to the river and baptize me with your fluids Let me swim across you ocean Journey on top of your creation Make me be yet a tik in your tok on your clock of passion Grasp my flesh to comfort your mind And take your time. To make me  Limp Fall to the bottom of the Earth to see your length Keeping you safe within me Tightly gently in me Moving in all direction as this connection  Cannot end. Where does your body begin Where does mine decend Into your own We are sewn. To make another thing clear This will not last all year I only want this thing forever To be finite among the clever And infinite among the feather That cushions my head upon this structure  You call a body. I am so shaken that you cannot awaken  A better passion To clinch onto your own prgasm Because my mine is just starting Allowing my digits to clinch onto Your flesh like bamboo Never breaking as much as I bend And shiver becuase your end -lessness I mean Just allow me to hover above Jupiter As the motions crescendo with every murmur Of my dialect you cannout conquer As it is of foreign tongue Just like the one You fantasize what will become Of this night And then I’m done Spewing onto the vessel all at once Like soup on a hot stove ooooooo Thank you ;) ~~~Tiana J. Fernandez~~~

The same fog  The mist of remembrance That moist warm feeling keeping me safe Haunts me The view of it from afar I shudder Because the time for it, it hurts The memories kill me My skin crawls It creeps with emotions yet to be released Can it stop hovering over my skin like morning dew? Let it evaporate with the sun’s rays It refuses The fog remains The sad thing is I would not know what to do Without it As it haunts It is comfort And even though I need to release it Never will I As it appeases me too much to hold on ~~~Tiana J. Fernandez~~~

My mind to have a constant convulsion Caused by the struggle between Caring and moving on. As mush as I care I cannot I must kill these deep rooted intertwined feelings towards you They are staring to lynch my heart And suffocate my soul. No longer can I smile when needed You took that with you You hid it within your 6’2 frame From my 5’4 body Knowing I cannot touch the top of your head flat footed Teasing me for I hope I had Of returning to your heart. Now all I can do is drop to my knees And wail silently into my knees Hiding the streams of saline tears falling from my oval  Dark brown eyes Across and down my yellow and rosy face Past the downturned creases of my full pink lips As I cannot fathom that you culd be so Indirectly cruel. Even though I want to blame it all on you I cannot I have to blame myself As it is my emotions, my thoughts, and my inability to move on.  You did not cause this pain I did… ~~~Tiana J. Fernandez~~~

The more I try to dismiss you Erase your figure from my eyes Kill your voice from my ears And drown your emotions form my heart The harder it becomes. As all I do is reminisce I reminisce  And that hurts I lost a friend as much as I lost a lover. You helped me through so much Before we kissed. Maybe I should have never took that motion A flutter to touch your lips upon my own Now we barely speak words From your mouth to my ears. My eyes cannot lay upon your figure As you hide form them And it hurts. I cry because our connection was genuine Not sexually But mentally. Why did I act on the urge I cannot fathom this. I hurt so bad I cannot even stand to see you with another Never was I the jealous type Until you. Until you I was bottled up Hiding from everyone’Until our late conversations In the five comforters you needed Under the stars and so easily spoken  I miss that  I miss you I miss us. But I have to forget it Or I won’t move on Cannot move on For you see right through me And would be there if I needed you. Yet now we are starngers It hurts But we must be dismissed from my memory. ~~~Tiana J. Fernandez~~~

The melody of the overture The one that played As my mind wandered to play images of us You the one that made me drop my gaurd Open my emotions The ones I learned to hide from all But you. Now I perch myself upon the floor Alone Listening to the beats and wanting  the images To be true again. Yes, I miss that As you could see I will never tell you You will not accept my opening up and I will turn around Broken Lost Confused The music continues But we do not And it’s surreal when I though We would keep playing on repeat Like the song does On my iPod And all things end Like us… ~~~Tiana J. Fernandez~~~

They lay comfortably splayed on the twin bed Thrown sheets and comforters With a sprinkle of pillows Surrounding their body Awake they lay staring intently to the television Perched upon the clutered dresser The one in which her wristbands Her rings and his own would lay before they slept. Now he is the one on the bed splayed wholly as one She sits behind Behind the dresser of an oak complexion On the tile floor Not whole but as a part of what used to be. The cluttered room that once resembled organization Presents itself as a true mess Frustrating her soul Irritating her logic. But then again, emotions are not logical And it’s those feelings That skew her view of him Take everything he represents and makes it an irritation As all these confusing states Want to join with his own And be one once more… ~~~Tiana J. Fernandez~~~

A mirage of times Of places and events that took place Play on a continuous loop in my brain Are they real? Did he kiss me so sincerely  That allowed me to smile from my toes to my last hair follicle? Did he act so much like he was mine Keeping me close and in constant warmth? Or did I imagine these scenes? The ones of us just taking siestas on the bed Sleep arm in arms at first and waking up splayed apart Where I caressed your forehead As you proceeded to tickle me knee so randomly Yes, I guess so Because there is no way You should be so distant towards one you shared such moments with So I will take these mirages The ones that sadden my being Because they are not true when I want them to be And hide them. As this thing I see as what we were Is a figment of my imagination… ~~~Tiana J. Fernandez~~~

Elude the thoughts of the figure The one that put a smile on your face Gave a sensation of a fireplace across your heart Eased the nightmares like a lullaby by Grandma And left hope in a daze as if God was the sun’s rays that kissed your skin. That figure. The one that now resembles the ghost of Christmas future for Scrooge The serial killer of every hope and love particle in your being Stealing the Cinderella fairytale you wrote And leaving you to fight the inner battles of a broken heart alone. Let it elude you. Don’t understand because you never will It’s not as easy as it seems But try. Keep moving and let the mystery go onto someone who is willing to comprehend the figure’s inadequacies Quit the job of loving it Give up on its religion And break the laws of their creation. Fly up until its fiery hot and then cold Reach absolute zero Freeze the thoughts and never let them thaw like you would dinner This dinner shall never be cooked or reach the mouths of others. Let the figure become a fog Let the fog dissipate And then you can live. Allow the figure to elude you Move on without comprehension. ~~~Tiana J. Fernandez~~~

Eyes peer at the other Dim lights and vibrant beat enwrapping them Distance between then Nonexistent. Slight curves towards the sky Moves across one’s face The other responding similarly. Humidity envelopes their pores Adding moisture to their skin And they begin to lean to another Slowly leaning One up slightly The other down. Their lips touch  With the humidity and vibrance of the environment Backing away Their eyes peer once more. One lacking the emotion  A lack of caring and interest in the other. The other with more of each Until comprehending the other’s blank stare. Quickly turning away Their heart stops The humidity turns to tears And they know what needs to be one… ~~~Tiana J. Fernandez~~~